My Crazy Ass Rants...

Parenting Guidelines To Avoid Raising Assholes

2012-03-04T15:34:00.002-06:00

Unfortunately everyone in this country is allowed to reproduce, constitutional freedoms and what not, but that doesn't mean that everyone should. There are three types of people who should avoid having kids. Crackheads, I'm using that as a general term for anyone who has a drug or alcohol addiction of any kind. The simple reason is you are too selfish to do the right thing and the kid will end up raising you and that's just backwards. Next, people who are too demanding or too strict. You will rob your child of all the good times of childhood and they will grow up to be an asshole. We have enough assholes in this world so please go and get yourself fixed, thank you. Lastly parents that are too lazy to do what needs to be done to parent. If you would just rather be your kids friend so you don't have to be a hard ass, or so you don't have to hear them cry, don't have kids. They will grow up to be assholes as well so, go with the strict parents and get fixed. Oh, and take the crackheads with you.

I often hear "parenting is the hardest job you will ever have". That's complete and utter bullshit. Parenting is easy. You just have to know what the fuck you're doing and if you follow these few simple rules everything else will fall into place.
1. (THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE SO READ CAREFULLY).....two people get together, have sex and nine months later out pops a kid. Now what? Look at that little bundle of joy and realize that its a PERSON not your POSSESSION. Its going to have its own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires. Its your job to feed it, clothe it, provide it shelter, point out when its fucking up and then let it fuck up so that it learns not to do that same shit again.
You cannot live vicariously through them. That's the worst thing anyone can do to someone else, force them to do what you did as a kid, i.e. sports, swimming, dancing...just let them do shit they enjoy. Let them find their own hobbies (unless that hobby is crazy shit like skinning neighborhood pets or burning the private areas of their siblings toys. That means your sweet little Johnny is probably a damn psycho and you should get them on some meds or better yet, just euthanize them.) The point is, they need to figure out who they are and sitting around being a younger version of you isn't ever going to give them the opportunity to figure it out.

The only thing that's going to happen if you force your kids into things you like and they hate is they are going to do it hoping for your approval and then always feel like they are never good enough for you. Then they will spend the rest of their life in therapy talking about what a dick you were. Seriously, if you love sports so much then go join a league for old fat asses and let your kid live their own life. They wont be that cute little baby for long, before you know it they will want to move out and make their own life and they have to be capable of doing it or they will fail and move back in with you or wind up under a bridge somewhere, hating you. You only have them for a short time so don't fuck them up.

2. Discipline.There's a fine line that you have to walk when disciplining your kid. Let me just say this to all the hippie parents and psycho babble bitches that are against "spanking"....shut the fuck up already! The day this bullshit came out about how you shouldn't spank your kid is the day that society took a turn for the worse. You can and should spank your kid if they need it. I'm not advocating beating them with belts or swatting them up side the head with a wooden spoon, but a well timed swat on the rear occasionally is good for them. It teaches them to have respect for authority. Without that, they will run rampant and act like little hellions. Guess what? Nobody likes those kids! All of your friends and family won't want to be around you if that's your kid and they will definitely talk about you behind your back. So if you refuse to spank, enjoy your lonely life.

3. Don't fall for their tricks. Here's a little known fact for all of you new parents out there, that sweet little innocent baby, with its cute little coos and rosy cheeks is actually a manipulative little bastard. "The hell?" you say? They learn early on that crying is a good way to get your attention. No matter what anyone says you can spoil a child. If you hold your baby all the time, that's what its used to and that's what it expects. Babies learn that when they cry, their parents will run in and give them anything they want. I'm not saying to ignore the kid all the time, but set limits. They have to learn that its ok to be alone sometimes, they have to learn how to soothe themselves. If they don't guess what? They grow up to be needy ass bastards and everyone hates those people too. Don't you want your kid to grow up and have a healthy relationship with someone and isn't living in your basement when they are 35? Then stop coddling them right this minute!! The world doesn't revolve around then and never will so teach them that. Its ok to sometimes let them cry. If you have attended to every need they could possibly have and they are still being a whiny bitch, let them cry. Go reassure them that its not the end of the world with a soothing voice every so often, but don't pick them up and give into them.

4. Learn this phrase..."I'm broke". We live in a gadget world. Before you know it, we wont even be able to wipe our own asses without some help from technology. The worst kept secret about technology is its expensive. So there's nothing more frustrating in the world then when little Mary comes home from school demanding an IPad because her best friends dipshit parents bought her one. Let me clue you in on something, kids don't need every game system, smartphone, laptop, desktop and tablet that's out there. They need access to a computer for education and one game system (if they have done well enough in life to deserve it). The only reason they even need those things is so that you have some leverage. When they are failing in school, having smart ass mouths or being lazy when it comes to helping out, you ground them. When you ground them you take everything away.

My kids grew up hearing "you can either have money to buy a new game or you can eat this week". Guess which one they chose? That's right, eating. They were raised knowing that their parent wasn't their personal ATM and by the time they were teenagers they stopped asking for money altogether. I don't pay for chores or good grades either. The deal is their job is to go to school, make good grades, stay out of trouble and help out somewhat around the house. In exchange for that, I feed them, clothe them and let them live with me. Occasionally buy them something frivolous. Sounds harsh doesn't it? Its not, it teaches them something about the real world. When you get in the job market you aren't going to get a bonus everyday just for doing your job. Most of you reading this probably aren't even happy with the shitty occasional raise that you get. Letting kids know that life is rough makes dealing with shitty jobs a little easier.

Ok, that's enough for now. I have a Twitter addiction I have to get back to. Just remember that parents who give their kids everything they want and don't discipline them are raising self centered little bitches that walk around with this sense of entitlement that makes average people want to beat the living shit out of them. That's why older generations sit around looking disgusted all of the time. We are making the world a shitfest and every generation it gets worse because toys get more and more expensive and people have fallen into that hippie parenting trap. Its time to go old school. I'm pretty sure that everyone in my generation had their ass whipped at sometime growing up and we knew if we fucked up we would get another one. Kids these days that don't get spankings fuck up because they haven't learned to be afraid of the consequences. Make them afraid for all of our sakes.

Please Stop Talking

2012-02-09T18:26:00.001-06:00

Don't you hate when people talk to you about shit you don't care about?

I've been listening to talk about fishing for the past 45 minutes. I really don't give a fuck how much lures weigh, what the tiny minute color difference is or what the fuck they smell like! I just don't care. You should be able to tell by the way I'm responding to everything with "umhmm".

I wish I could blink and make people disappear.

Girls Roadtrip

2012-02-09T11:11:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I embark on my first ever girls roadtrip. Its kind of odd because I'm almost 40 and I've never done something like this so it's also exciting.

By the level of excitement I feel, you would thing we were going somewhere super cool like Cabo San Lucas or Scotland, but no, we are just taking a 3 hour drive to Jefferson, TX. Why? Just to get away.

I've been raising kids since I was 18. I missed out on doing a lot of things that young people do like roadtrips, college, alcohol soaked spring breaks..all sorts of good times. Now that my younger two are getting older I'm going to start slowly stepping out of my box and exploring life. That way, by the time they have moved out I will be ready to really expand my horizons and take trips outside of the country.

I feel like this is a great time in life. I'm not looking forward to the effect getting older will have on my appearance, but getting to the stage in life where your kids are grown and you get a chance to do what you want to whenever you want without worrying about cooking dinner, getting homework done or even finding a sitter so you can go out, is fucking awesome.

Super Bowl Sunday

2012-02-05T13:09:00.001-06:00

Afternoon bitches!!! In case you live under a rock or just don't care enough to pay attention to anything, today is Super Bowl Sunday. The day when men all get together and hate. Mostly they hate the fact that their team didn't make it. They also hate on their women for coming to their parties acting like they are interested in football. They especially hate when their women ask stupid questions all thru the game. So if you really like pissing off your man then today is the greatest day in the world to do so. Mine happens to be a Cowboys fan, so while he's sitting around calling little Eli dumbface, I will be reminding him that dumbface or not, he still has one more ring than Romo.

Now, I'm a huge fan of all things Manning so I will be rooting for the Giants. Plus I hate Brady. I hate him more than herpes and the smell of sour milk. I usually don't wish failure on anyone, but I will on him, just for today. He needs that smug look to be wiped off his face. I'm confident the Giants will lose though only because I want then to win.

Anyway, have a great day.

Quitting Smoking...day 2

2012-01-11T19:10:00.001-06:00

Today is my second day of quitting smoking. I've quit smoking before, MANY times. This time is different though. I'm not quitting because I WANT to, I'm quitting because I've been sick for like 4 weeks with a shitty cough so basically I HAVE to quit.

I think the fact that I have to, makes this soooo much harder. I really just want to eat a ton of chips or punch someone. But the chips will just contribute to my fat ass problem and the only people around to punch are under 4 ft tall and since there's laws against abusing children, I'm just gonna sit here and fiend like a lab monkey. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Some People Are Misinformed

2012-01-08T11:12:00.001-06:00

So this morning I was on Facebook and was treated to a rant by some dude that girls who have a lot of guy friends, but not a lot of girlfriends are ALL sluts (well 9 out of every 10). His basis for this completely insane/asinine theory was that guys want to hang out with this type of girl because she's easy and all they want to do is sleep with her and girls dont want to hang out with her because they can "sniff" out this type of behavior and nobody likes a slut.

Now, I don't want to call this guy an idiot, but by making this type of generalized statement he clearly gives me no choice. That would be like me saying that all guys that have a Texas flag for their profile picture on Facebook have tiny little penises. Sure, it could be true, but without having actually seen all of their peens I would be an ass for making such an assumption.

I happen to know several women who have more guy friends than girl friends and not one of them is a slut. They are smart, independent women who don't give a fuck what you think about them. One of them happens to be my kid. She busted her ass and graduated high school at 16, moved out on her own and went to college. She's had as many as 5 jobs at one time. She's currently 20 and a senior in college and works as a manager for a men's wheelchair basketball team. She has a huge heart and makes me proud of her accomplishments everyday. She has ONE boyfriend on the basketball team and not a bunch of guys she's out sleeping with. But this ass who made this statement will never know how awesome she is because she has mostly guy friends so automatically he would assume she's trash.

She's not, she's smart because being a woman, I can tell you that "bitches be crazy". A lot of women are giant balls of drama and the smart woman will avoid them. This is one of the reasons I maintain such a small group of girl friends as well. So next time, sir with the Texas flag profile pic, think shit out before you spew it on Facebook. It makes you look like an uniformed ass to the rest of the world.

Why I Hate Assholes

2012-01-05T21:24:00.001-06:00

There are two types of people in this world, regular people and assholes. That's it. Under the "asshole" category there are two subcategories 1) assholes that are so miserable they have to make everyone else around them miserable and 2) assholes that just seem to be sickos who ENJOY being assholes! What I hate most about both of these categories of idiots is that you can't escape them. They are EVERYWHERE!!No matter where you turn, there will be an asshole close by. Its an epidemic I tell you!

I have the misfortune of living with the worlds worst asshole. He is both types of asshole wrapped up into one giant ball of shittiness. He has a good job, a great family, a hobby that he loves and most importantly, my awesome ass!! So nobody can figure out what the hell his problem is which leads me to think that assholeness, may in fact, be a genetic disorder since apparently his father suffers the same disorder (or at least that's the impression I get from the family).

Instead of throwing money down the drain on trying to figure out why fat kids get made fun of (this is a legitimate study by the way. They could've just paid me to tell them that fat kids get made fun of because grown up assholes were once kids and even then they were assholes. Duh!), how about we figure out what makes assholes tick? Because without them running around, everybody's life would be great!!

Just imagine a world without an asshole boss who's always bitching about this and that or an asshole ex that's a constant pain in the ass. Oh, what about not having asshole drivers pissing you off every single time you get behind the wheel?? Wouldn't it be great to drive around town not yelling like a maniac at every asshole who cuts you off or drives 20 MPH under the speed limit? Hell yeah it would!!!! I'm talking about creating a Utopia here people, so lets all get behind this.

(of the people that read this, not one of you fuckers could comment that I misspelled "category" and every variation of it, a dozen times? Seriously? WTF people?)

Late Night at IHOP....

2011-12-10T09:35:00.001-06:00

Last night we took one of our spur of the moment trips to Winstar Casino. It was a good time, though I'm pretty sure if I lived closer I would be eating canned catfood for survival because I have a serious slot machine addiction.

Anyhooo, this isn't about the casino or my 'problem'. This is about our trip into the geriatric twilight zone. Who knew the fucking twilight zone was located in Gainsville, Tx??? Specifically at the IHOP.

When we first entered our section you could tell it was going to be an interesting meal. There's an 'older' couple making out in a booth. He must have just renewed his script for Viagra because she was all over him like stink on shit! Seriously, they were too damn old to be acting like that in public. I'm sure there's a niche market for geriatric porn, but I can assure you that I am NOT it.

There appeared to be some rule at this particular IHOP, that if you were a couple you had to sit in the same side of the booth, even if it was just the two of you. I find this nauseating. You can separate yourselves for the 20 mins it takes to eat, you're not fucking Siamese twins and no major surgery would be required.

So we are seated in a booth, but the one side is really like a bench that runs down the entire wall. Our part of this bench had another booth seat, but right next to us was a table. And by right next to us, I mean RIGHT fucking there! We may as well have been eating with the couple seated there we were so close. Which made the fact that they were fighting VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!

Apparently his side girlfriend had spoken to this girlfriend and filled her in on all of their time together. So she's sitting here with the barrage of questioning in full force...did you meet her mom at thanksgiving, what park do you take her kids to, how many times have you taken her to chilis and had margaritas, last Thursday when you said you were going to get a cowboy hat you went to meet her didn't you....on and on it went. So he gives her an answer, like he told her he went to chilis with the homewrecker only one time, and she says 'she told me you go all the time' so he says 'ok, maybe twice'. He kept on lying and she kept calling him on it. Then she sat there for a solid 7 minutes giving him the dead eye stare. Finally they left. People, don't fight at fucking IHOP, ok? Eat your god damn cinnastacks and be happy!! If you have to fight, go sit in the car or stay the fuck home.

After they walked out this group of drunk asses comes stumbling in. Once again it was a group of old fuckers. Don't old people go to bed at a decent hour? I mean, once you get into your 60s shouldn't you be over the alcoholic partying stage in life?

The drunkest one in the bunch had to be in her 60s, with her leather jacket and a short stacked haircut that was platinum blonde on top and black on the bottom. Shes sitting there, yelling random inappropriate shit such as 'I HAVE A FUCK BUDDY!!!' oh. my. god. Nobody cares lady!! And she was with this real dick. He was telling a story that went a little something like this...'so I pulled her ass over that table and broke three of her damn ribs and she said 'I thought I could block you' but couldn't do it...'. He was so proud if himself too. Idiot. I swear this group was straight out of Deliverance. I'm almost certain I heard dueling banjos when they walked in.

Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I know you can expect obnoxious drunks at any IHOP at 2 am, but Gainesville definitely has the rowdiest geriatric population around.

Quick open letter...

2011-12-10T09:07:00.001-06:00

My open letter to the hooker I saw last night......

Dear Winstar Hooker (you know who you are),

I would like to start off by asking you a question, do you know where the fuck you are?? No? Well let me tell you, you're in Podunk, Ok. There is literally nothing but this casino for miles around. You're not on the Vegas strip!! Far from it. So why the hell were you wearing thigh high stiletto boots and mini skirt with your ass cheeks on the verge of full exposure??

When you strutted out of your house did you not notice it was 30 damn degrees?? And yet you had on a slinky sleeveless top? Seriously, it's fucking December. You may wanna purchase a jacket.

There are thousands of people at that casino. I couldn't tell you what anybody else was wearing, not even the guy that I had a full on conversation with at the machine next to me. So if your goal was to stand out, congrats!!! You accomplished that goal. If your goal was to be well dressed and appropriate for your surroundings, you fucking failed. Even the two other girls and three guys that you were with were dressed averagely!

In closing, get a fucking clue. You weren't looking hot in that outfit, you looked like an idiot who had no damn idea where the hell she was or what fucking season we were in.

Family...a Bigger Pain in the Ass Than Hemorrhoids

2011-12-07T10:09:00.001-06:00

As this holiday progresses, I have found more and more reasons to despise the holiday season, which I will be referring to as 'Shitmas' from here on out!

Today's complaint is family. During the year most families will have their pain in the ass moments, it's unavoidable since they are made up of people and as a general rule people will disagree. For some reason, this time of year brings out the worst in family members.

All of this could be avoided if people put Shitmas in a proper perspective.
Most people put too much weight in holidays. All of them. And they tend to get shitty when people go against their holiday plans. So here's a newsflash for all of you bossy fuckers that fall into that category....

First of all, if you have kids, one day those kids are going to grow up and get married and have their own kids (unless of course, they are smart. Then they will remain childless and single.). Once that happens they are going to want to start making their own family traditions, like spending Shitmas Eve at home with their kids. Why does this have to cause a war?

I'll tell you why...because some people are inconsiderate.

When you make a family, the holidays get very busy. You have to find time to spend with your family AND your spouses family. So if your kids want to do your family get together on a day that's not Shitmas Eve, who gives a fuck?? They are not 5 years old and are not obligated to be with you on that day. So before you get your britches all in a wad, stop and realize that expecting anything more makes you a selfish son of a bitch. And taking to your Facebook to whine and complain like a spoiled little brat makes you an asshole.

You should be thankful that they want to spend anytime at all with you since you have 364 other days out of the year that you don't bother trying to be a part of their lives. Just because one day is holiday doesn't mean they should have to rearrange their lives to appease your ridiculous notions.

So no matter what holiday comes around remember one thing, people have lives. Those lives involve a lot of people not just you. Make time to spend with each other when it's convenient for EVERYONE involved and don't try and guilt trip people into times that aren't feasible for them because doing so will only make you a holiday asswipe.

Christmas...the shittiest time of the year!!

2011-12-05T10:37:00.001-06:00

The holidays are upon us and once again I'm totally pissed by that. I hate Christmas. Hate it more than anything else in the world.

First of all, this ongoing debate of whether you should say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Holiday's' is fucking absurd. Seriously, why do Christians get so bent out shape about it? I get tired of seeing them post shit such as 'CHRISTmas is about CHRIST', or the most annoying phrase ever, 'Jesus is the reason for the season!' Time for a little history lesson for all of you Christians.....

All of the Christmas traditions predate the birth of Christ and almost all of the customs are pagan in origin. In fact, December 25th was a Roman day that celebrated the sun god Saturn. Christ wasn't even born in December!

So no, Jesus is not the reason for the season and since so many aspects of Christianity are just pieces of religions that predate Christs birth would it really kill you to say 'Happy fucking Holiday's so you include EVERYONES beliefs?

(Religion annoys me)

Next, kids and their expectations.
I completely despise the concept of Santa Claus. I told my two oldest ones when they were young that the fat bastard didn't exist. People have guilted me into raising my youngest two differently. Now I wished I had ignored all of those meddling assholes and stuck with my original game plan. Why? Because if you know your broke ass parents are 'santa', the things you ask for are far more reasonable. So that when you open your gifts you aren't disappointed.

This year my two youngest kids are going to be completely disappointed when they don't get an iPad and an XBox 360. Which saddens me.

While people say that letting kids believe in Santa is an important part of being a kid, I say BULLSHIT!! Unless your parents are rich, believing in Santa means you will suffer year upon year of bitter disappointment. Then when you find out the fat fucker isn't even real, you learn your parents are a couple of liar, liar pants on fire bitches and you will never trust them again! So who benefits from the idea of Santa??? Retailers, that's it.

The only thing that is good about this time of year is that people get into the spirit of giving and the charities benefit greatly, but people should be doing it year round. Not because of the season, but because we are all human beings and should help those less fortunate when we can.

So fuck Christmas and all of it's superficial trappings. As soon as these two grow up I'm done with the holiday. And this year I'm going to drink lots of wine so I can make it thru with my sanity still intact.

Changing the world? Doubtful.

2011-07-24T19:46:00.003-06:00

Ok,Ive always had this deep desire to have an epiphany. I know this sounds odd, but hear me out. I have always been jealous of people that have turned their lives around whether spiritually or financially with that one sudden burst of inspiration. I have sat around searching for all sorts of things to aid me in my epiphany search to no avail.

I had given up totally on the idea of ever having one. Then the other day, I think I stumbled across one. There was no big bang, bright light, surge of self love or anything that I always thought would happen. No new fancy product idea to make me rich, no new philosophy to ponder. Just a simple statement. "My life is what I make of it".

That's it.

I sit around, bemoaning how miserable I am with my life, and lately, things have really been a huge shitfest. I have contemplated running away or doing other stupid stuff that I wont go into detail about, just know they haven't been some of my better ideas. Anyway, at that moment, I was feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed with life. Dealing with exes that you have kids with can be a ginormous pain in the ass most days. Mine is a bigger one than most.

So I was sitting around feeling on the verge of a breakdown, trying to brainstorm ways that I could deal with the anger inside,for example, meditation. Meditation always sounds like a good plan, and I completely envy the people that can do it, but for me meditation=nap time. I can not do it without falling asleep. Anyway, that's when the thought came to me. I'm miserable because I allow myself to be. I let other people get to me, to push my buttons, to dictate my life. Apparently I'm a huge pussy and didn't even realize it. I know for a fact that I didn't used to be. I used to be able to at least stand up for myself. These days I talk a big game, but come crunch time, I cant find it within myself to nut up. But those days are over.

I have been plagued with an overwhelming desire for freedom. For the past 20 years Ive always used the fact that I have kids as sort of a safety blanket. Never leaving the house, taking risks, putting my heart out there...nothing, because I have kids that I'm responsible for and Ive always felt that they are my first priorities. And they are and always will be, but Ive come to the conclusion that I don't just want to live, I want to live a kickass life. I want to inspire and create and make change happen.

I know there's no way one person can change the world, but one person can change the world of one other person and that, to me, is a huge deal. And there's no reason why I cant take my kids on this journey with me. I don't want them to grow up in a shell. I want them to experience life. To go to sleep at night knowing that they've helped someone and to feel that deep sense of joy in that. Everything else in life is bullshit. Jobs, stress, exes, fighting. Fuck that. You have to take life by the balls and run with them. Its just that simple.

I make cakes. I want to make great cakes. I want to make great cakes that make me money. I want to be disgustingly wealthy. I grew up with the old adage "money is the root of all evil", now I know that's just something poor people say to overcome their jealousy of rich people. Money pays the bills, paying my bills on time would make me happy. Love doesn't make the world go round, money does. The rich get richer because they get up everyday and make shit happen. That's who I want to be. A rich asshole....well,not an asshole.

I know this is a huge rambling mess, but whatever. I had to get it out before I changed my mind. So from this day forward its fucking game on. I'm no longer going to be afraid of succeeding or of failing or of making people angry. I'm no longer giving a shit. I'm going to go out and make a difference in my life and my kids lives. People can get on-board with me or get the hell out of my way.

Why Craigslist blows....

2010-06-24T19:42:00.003-06:00

I LOVE Craigslist. Why? I have no idea. I have never bought anything from anyone on there. And even though I spend countless hours browsing the "free stuff" section, I've never gotten anything off of there either.I have sold one or two things, didn't make a fortune, but got some extra space in my garage. Plus, the "the best of Craigslist" is full of funny ass crap that is not only humorous, but damned disturbing as well.

Moving right along, if you use Craigslist and have something that you don't understand, DO NOT, under any circumstances post that question in the help forum. This is a fair warning, if you ignore it you will regret it. Instead, go phone a friend, ask a hobo or look into a crystal ball to find the answers because the people that are supposedly there to "help" you in the "help" section are a bunch of assholes!! Seriously, I would rather run through the fiery pits of hell, wearing a shirt made of scorpions and taunting the devil himself, by carrying a sign that says "Satan sucks monkey ass!!", than to ask those people anything.

Here's an example, a person said that it was saying their account was suspended and wanted to know why.. this is the response that they received...

'okay, dipshit. I'm not up to pulling informaiton
out of you as you deign to dribble it out.
You start off saying you can't log in, then you give us a blocked-ad message, then you are telling us something totally fake.
WAIT.
THIS IS NOT A RACE TO THROW SHIT UP ON THE SCREEEN. COMPOSE A PARAGRAPH THAT CLEARLY EXPLAINS WHAT IS HAPPENING. IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, WE CAN'T HELP.'

Funny? Yes! But not very freaking helpful. I understand that the people that answer the questions are just other users, but with all of the rules you have to follow to post on that site or you get deleted, they should do the same thing to the ridiculous douchetards (thanks for the word, Wendy) that are so rude in the help forums. Why don't they have forum moderators like every other forum on the web?

Oh well, screw it. I think I'm going to go post something completely absurd so I can end up on the "best of"...Ive got my fingers crossed anyway.

Why I Hate Justin Bieber and The Other Annoying Teenie Boppers....

2010-06-21T09:52:00.005-06:00

This day and age the internet has become a useful tool in everyday life. It has also become the biggest spawner of tools in the history of forever. Anybody and everybody can have their 15 seconds of fame by making their own videos and posting them. This is how Justin Bieber came into 'fame'. His mom posted a video of him on YouTube and before you know it, the little tool is EVERYWHERE. I, myself, cant seem to figure out what is so great about him. He is talentless and has hair that looks like a really bad toupee was attacked by a ferocious gust of wind and is just barely hanging on. Not to mention the fact that he is an arrogant little shit. I know, I know he's only 16 and most kids that age are pretty stuck on themselves, but this one takes it to extremes. The fact that he likes to spout off things like what a great kisser he is. Or better still this little gem (from Idolator.com)“I still [use Twitter] as much as before. People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.” Wow!! Very inspirational. I feel like my life has changed just by reading that.

Its not really his fault, though, that he's guilty of douchebaggery. Its his parents fault. I'm sure his mom has spent his life coddling him, telling him shit about how special he is and blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying that you shouldn't encourage your kids, but keep it realistic. Let them know that they aren't any better than anyone else. From what I read on People.com, the douche gene is actually inherited from his father, who deigned himself "Lord Bieber" on Twitter. He should have gone with Lord of the Dumb Asses, but who am I to judge?

Another annoying fixture in the world today is Miley Cyrus. Little Hannah Montana is way out of fucking hand. Shes 17 and has a record of lap dancing for forty-something-year old men, taking pictures of herself in her underwear at 15 for her boyfriend (allegedly), and basically sucking at acting and singing (not allegedly, simple fact). Part of her problem stems from her 'famous' father, Billy Ray Cyrus who thinks that 17 year old girls lap dancing for old dudes is just teenage angst. Every trashy thing this girl does he chalks up to being a 'teenager'. It goes beyond that. Its what happens when we thrust our needy little children into the spotlight and they grow up with allll this attention, then they eventually NEED attention to feel some type of self worth. My prediction? You will one day see her posing nude trying to regain her stardom. It will happen sooner rather than later.

Why? Because kids grow up. These kids are only popular because other dumb ass kids make them that way. And every damn adult in the world knows that kids don't know jack shit about whats good and what sucks. Therefore, when these kids grow up and finally get some good taste, the teeny bopping stars lose their fame. Its only a matter of time and I am patiently waiting. In the mean time I'm going to go watch that Bieber kid walk into some more doors on YouTube. That's some funny shit!

The Decline of Our Childrens Education

2010-05-20T08:13:00.005-06:00

I would like to give a huge shout-out to the idiots that sit on the Texas State Board of Education. After reading through many news sources (and by 'many' I mean 2) I have come to the realization that my 5 year old that's going into the Texas education system this fall, is going to graduate high school as a complete and total idiot and will be completely unprepared for college. I just wanted to go ahead and thank you, on his behalf, for wasting the next ten years of his life. I would also like to thank you, on behalf of every other tax payer for wasting the tax dollars we contribute to education on the crap you are about to enact.

If you want to teach your children all of your little religious views in life, that is fine by me. What is NOT fine by me, however, is trying to brain wash my child into following your same ideologies. I have a little news flash for you, Christianity isn't even the oldest religion in the world. There were many religions around that predate it, and if you do a little research into your own religion you will find that it does not even have its own ideology, it took different aspects of just about every other religion and called it its own. I do not want my children to grow up thinking that some magician in the sky woke up one day and decided that it would be a neat idea to just wave his magic wand and populate this planet with people. I want them to understand that there are actual processes that have taken place over the course of history as to why we exist. I want them to realize that their morals should be based on actual consequences in life. That they should hold themselves to higher ethical standards because it is the right thing to do, not because some imaginary being says so or he will not let you into his fancy establishment when you die and it no longer matters.

I also want each and everyone of you to go watch a movie called "Idiocracy" because that is exactly the way the world is going to end up after your ridiculous ideas make it into text books. I was fairly certain that it was a possibility and was even more convinced after I read that one board member argued that Oscar Romero was to be removed because he "didn't have a movie like the others"! Seriously? This is how we decide who gets in and who doesn't? I thought it was common knowledge that movies were for entertainment purposes only and not for a standard of knowledge.

I would love to go on a tirade about Don McLeroy, but I'm going to restrain myself. His complete and total lack of knowledge is an embarrassment, the fact that he sits on the Board of Education is even more embarrassing. His greatest argument against evolution is that his ancestors weren't trees as the scientific community would have him believe? Give me a break. Oh, and I really enjoyed his comment about women and minorities, "women and minorities owed thanks to men and “the majority” for their rights". This guy is a moron, yet we let him dictate what our kids should learn.

In closing, I would like all of the parents to take the time to buy real education material, as opposed to the fairyland material that the schools are being forced to teach, and take a few minutes out of your day to teach your children the things that they are being deprived of. If you don't, they will surely be ill-equipped to succeed in life and unable to compete in the job market.

Jesse James...wtf?

2010-03-19T08:08:00.005-06:00

Let me start off by saying, yes, I understand that not all cheaters are men. I watch "Cheaters", I know women are just as guilty, but this is a man rant so bare with me.

What is so great about cheating? I have never been able to understand it. Most women cheat when the husband has shut them off, they cheat because they are looking for companionship. Men on the other hand cheat just because they think they can get away with it. Not only do they cheat, they cheat with women that are several steps below the women they are married to. At least that's my perspective. Lets look at the two most public and recent cheating scandals...

Tiger Woods. Here is a man that has enough money to support a small country, fame, prestige and a wife that is easy on the eyes. Now, nobody knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors, but by all accounts the man has a perfect life. So why go out and cheat with a bunch of skanky women? Are these men so lacking in common sense that they don't see that the types of women they are cheating with will, when the opportunity arises, turn their lives into a living hell? Women that cheat with married famous men are generally self centered soulless creatures that care only about how to get rich quick and have their 15 minutes. They are not at all interested or concerned with whose life they may destroy on their climb to the top.

And Jesse James...say it isn't so!! I was completely and totally shocked by this. I don't really know why. Tigers infidelity didn't shock me, anyone who tries to portray himself as that squeaky clean generally has some dirty little skeletons shoved in a closet somewhere. But Jesse...I know, I know...he was married to a porn star who allegedly is a bit off of her rocker, so obviously he doesn't make really good choices all of the time, but in this case he completely dropped the ball. Compared to his completely gorgeous, sweet natured, down-to-earth wife Sandra Bullock, his alleged mistress is a total tramp. Seriously, I don't have anything against tattoos, I have a couple of them myself, but when you look at her you should have sirens going off in your head screaming 'DANGER! DANGER! NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS! RUN!!'

Then the men top off their already asinine act of cheating by leaving a blazing trail of evidence in their wake! I'm beginning to think that technology is making the population dumber so I'm going to help the guys out here. If you are cheating, don't be a complete and total dumb ass by sending the shady ass hos texts messages!! Or emails, for that matter. What is wrong with you?? They will use it against you. There will not be any 'he said/she said', they will have documented proof that you are an ass.

Plus, not only does your wife have to be humiliated by the fact that the entire world knows your an idiot and that she was dumb enough to marry your cheating ass, she has to read every single word of what you said to that woman. Once she reads it, its forever branded in her brain and she will be sickened every time she thinks about it. I bet Elin is ready to explode after Joclyn James website got up and running. And she has my sympathy. There is nothing more detrimental to the heart than having your trust broken by someone that supposedly loves you.

So keep it in your pants guys and save yourself from all of the turmoil.

What I Have Learned...

2010-01-12T08:12:00.010-06:00

Since the new year is here, I have been taking stock on lessons I have learned over the course of life. I have come to the conclusion that some of the best ones have come from my five year old and would like to share them here.

Lesson one: the "I farted" game is only funny at home. Its not funny when you are walking through the store with the five year old tugging on your shirt with one hand and making whooshing motions with his other hand all while yelling " I farted mom! Mom,I farted!", as you casually try to shush him. Yet that only encourages him to become even louder, forcing you to try and act like you don't even know who this kid belongs to.

Lesson two: road rage is contagious. One day, when he was two, I was cut off by a lady. My natural response was to honk and call her a stupid bitch. Not one of my shining moments, but who hasn't reacted this way? For a year after that, every time my son heard a horn honk, he would chime in "stupid bitch!" Not really appropriate and it was a hard habit of his to break.

Lesson three: kids playing dress up is cute, but sometimes it may cross the line. His dad had a hard time with this one when he heard that his son had stuffed a towel in his shirt and was walking around saying "Look at me, I'm hot...I have boobies". His dad told me "that's not funny, you need to nip it in the bud". Not funny?? I found it extremely hilarious!! I have my 17 year old son to thank for that influence on him.

Lesson four: I have a potty mouth. I've always had a potty mouth. I try to contain it at times, but the way I look at it, using swear words helps me release bile and makes me a lot nicer of a person. Having said that, I don't think he should be using those words. But one day someone had made a comment that wasn't in any way true, I replied with "that's a damn lie!" then my sweet angel voiced little boy pipes up with "that's the damn truth". I told him that was a bad word, never to use it again, then quickly ran off to have a quiet chuckle.

Lesson five: be extra careful of the things you say in mixed company. This past Christmas, we were having a family gathering at my house. My husband was having a conversation with his little brother who doesn't get up to see us very often. I have no idea what the conversation was about, but the one thing my son picked up on was the term "hairy balls". Imagine the embarrassment of his parents as he is sitting there loudly saying "HAIRY BALLS HAIRY BALLS" then following it up with a maniacal laugh. I just looked at my husbands mother and told her he gets that from her son. What else could I do?

Lesson six: the most important lesson of all. Being a jackass is good for the soul. When we grow up, we are expected to act a certain way. The way others perceives us becomes very critical to our self worth. It shouldn't be that way. You should act the way that fits your personality and being a jackass gives us a little piece of our youth back. My resolution for the new year is to be a jackass as frequently as I can. I may have no choice about getting old, but I don't have to do it gracefully. I can have fun and not take life so seriously. We only get one chance so we might as well enjoy it.