When I was younger I used to live in this dream world where I would fall in love and live this perfect, happy life. Then shit happened and I was hit with reality. Nothing is perfect and life rarely makes me happy. I'm not sure when exactly I became cynical, or, as I like to call it, logical. I feel like more and more of my soul is dying with each passing year. I am to the point where all emotional expressions make me uncomfortable and I don't know if I would ever want to change that and if I did how would I go about it?
Dealing with the impending death of someone you know very well brings mortality to the forefront of your mind. You start questioning your entire existence and realize you have lived an unremarkable life. I have lived a life where I have always put others before me. As long as everyone around me was happy I felt like I had accomplished something spectacular, but in the process I lost myself. (Am i just rehashing the last post?) So lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Asking myself how much more am I willing to lose before I stem the bleeding? Living with addicts my entire life has made confronting things difficult. I know that I'm being lied to, I know that I can't change them, I know that no matter how much I love them they won't ever feel the same about me. They won't ever love me enough to give up what feeds them; I don't make them feel whole, their substance of choice does. All of this I logically know, but I have a hard time writing them off and letting go of who they could be if they just stopped poisoning themselves. Or I'm so afraid of change I just stay out of habit. Maybe a combination of both. There's great comfort in what you know. So I keep giving.
If you hang around addicts long enough you realize they are, by and large, narcissists. They are takers. They constantly take, take, take. They suck the life right out of you, then still ask for more. You give until you are empty and too tired to put up a fight. You get used to things the way they are and the next thing you know, you have wasted your life. In the beginning your mission is to save them, to love them enough that they will see their self worth reflected in you and want to be better. So far that hasnt happened for me. At some point you give up even trying to help them. You just exist. Day to day, walking through life, feeling empty. The real shitty part is, it becomes such a part of you, you don't even realize it has happened. It's just the way it's always been. The co-dependent becomes an addict. Even though you know the person is toxic, you can't quit them. It is a long hard battle that I haven't quite figured out how to win yet. It is where I will focus all of my energy this year, working out my co-dependency. I want to live my life on my terms. To do something that makes me feel whole. I want to create and contribute and feel like I have mattered or made a difference to someone. That should be everyones life goal.