Time once again, to ring in a new year! Every year at this time, people around the world sit down and try and psych themselves up for being a better person. We make resolutions to lose weight, help the less fortunate, try to transform ourselves into saints. It is the path I have followed for the past 20 some odd years and so far I have failed miserably. I'm still fat, I don't have a halo, and just this morning an old homeless woman asked me for spare change in front of Walgreens, and I said "sorry, I don't have any". Now technically this was true, my pocket was empty, but the little holder in my door had $1 worth of quarters, but that's my tip money for the Sonic person that brings me my drinks when I go. Logically, the old woman needs the money more than the carhop, but at that moment my brain said otherwise and I hoarded those bitches like they were made out of fucking diamonds or something. (So I tried to even out my karma by purchasing 2 pet bags and 1 food bank bag that Krogers puts out at this time of year to donate to the local community. Fingers crossed, it worked!)
Anyway, this time around I have decided to approach the coming year with a new goal in mind. I'm not going to try and improve a damn thing about myself. That's right, I'm bucking tradition because traditionally this tradition has been complete bullshit! This is going to be my mid-life crises year. I am going to fall apart, hit rock bottom and maybe work at putting myself back together next year. I am two steps away from being 43 and the only things I have to show for my life at this point in time are 4 of the greatest children to have ever graced the face of this Earth (not bragging, this is 100% true) and a not so great 2006 Dodge Stratus. I also have the ability to stop and gaze upon the clouds and see the silver linings so even though the Dodge isn't the greatest, it is my one link to freedom so I shall not disrespect it too much! I also have a relationship, or a reasonable facsimile of one, that has an infinite amount of room for improvement, not gonna lie. Most days it is harder being in a relationship than it is trying to get a grasp on quantum physics, but I'm generally not a quitter which is why I stick it out, plus I'm not a real fan of change which brings me to the purpose of my new life approach.
I hate change. I don't really know why, but I rebel against it. It takes me all of 2 weeks to get into a routine and any amount of deviation causes me a certain amount of internal fear. I'm not outgoing, I'm a staunch introvert, I have a hard time dealing with anything that may shine a light on me. Going to gatherings and making small talk with strangers is one of the worst things in the world to me! I would prefer to just board myself up in my house and have minimal contact with the outside world, but that is not how life works and I am reasonable enough to know that. So this year I am going to throw myself out there and try and turn shit around. Is that possible at this age?
As I sit here and take stock of my life I realize I have been raising kids since I was 18. I have put my whole life on hold making sure that everyone else was happy while I have been miserable. Career wise, I'm not doing what I want to do with my life. I'm doing what I have to do and to be honest I totally suck at my job. I try to do the best I can, but I was thrust into the role without any knowledge and I am learning as I go, but I'm so overwhelmed with a ridiculous amount of tasks that there's no time to properly learn. I am part owner of an HVAC company and it is emotionally draining during the good times and anxiety inducing during the bad times. I was so stressed out I thought I was having a heart attack, but the doctorr kindly let me know I was just being a hypochondriac and that I should go get crazy pills. All I want to do is spend my time painting, or reading, or learning about history. I fucking love history! One day that will be my life, but in the mean time I need to build an empire. One day my two youngest will be grown and I want to be able to live the life I want at that time. So this year I need to learn to put myself out there, get connections, collaborate with others on how to rule the world. Possibly get lessons on how to be an asshole so maybe people won't think I am an easy person to give shit to.
Time to change the way I feel about myself, no longer let people make me feel unworthy. I only have a few more decades on this planet, I wasted the first 4 and I refuse to let the rest slip through my fingers. So here's to a new year and leaving nothing but scorched Earth in my wake!