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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Parenting Guidelines To Avoid Raising Assholes

Unfortunately everyone in this country is allowed to reproduce, constitutional freedoms and what not, but that doesn't mean that everyone should. There are three types of people who should avoid having kids. Crackheads, I'm using that as a general term for anyone who has a drug or alcohol addiction of any kind. The simple reason is you are too selfish to do the right thing and the kid will end up raising you and that's just backwards. Next, people who are too demanding or too strict. You will rob your child of all the good times of childhood and they will grow up to be an asshole. We have enough assholes in this world so please go and get yourself fixed, thank you. Lastly parents that are too lazy to do what needs to be done to parent. If you would just rather be your kids friend so you don't have to be a hard ass, or so you don't have to hear them cry, don't have kids. They will grow up to be assholes as well so, go with the strict parents and get fixed. Oh, and take the crackheads with you.

I often hear "parenting is the hardest job you will ever have". That's complete and utter bullshit. Parenting is easy. You just have to know what the fuck you're doing and if you follow these few simple rules everything else will fall into place.
1. (THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE SO READ CAREFULLY).....two people get together, have sex and nine months later out pops a kid. Now what? Look at that little bundle of joy and realize that its a PERSON not your POSSESSION. Its going to have its own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires. Its your job to feed it, clothe it, provide it shelter, point out when its fucking up and then let it fuck up so that it learns not to do that same shit again.
You cannot live vicariously through them. That's the worst thing anyone can do to someone else, force them to do what you did as a kid, i.e. sports, swimming, dancing...just let them do shit they enjoy. Let them find their own hobbies (unless that hobby is crazy shit like skinning neighborhood pets or burning the private areas of their siblings toys. That means your sweet little Johnny is probably a damn psycho and you should get them on some meds or better yet, just euthanize them.) The point is, they need to figure out who they are and sitting around being a younger version of you isn't ever going to give them the opportunity to figure it out.

The only thing that's going to happen if you force your kids into things you like and they hate is they are going to do it hoping for your approval and then always feel like they are never good enough for you. Then they will spend the rest of their life in therapy talking about what a dick you were. Seriously, if you love sports so much then go join a league for old fat asses and let your kid live their own life. They wont be that cute little baby for long, before you know it they will want to move out and make their own life and they have to be capable of doing it or they will fail and move back in with you or wind up under a bridge somewhere, hating you. You only have them for a short time so don't fuck them up.

2. Discipline.There's a fine line that you have to walk when disciplining your kid. Let me just say this to all the hippie parents and psycho babble bitches that are against "spanking"....shut the fuck up already! The day this bullshit came out about how you shouldn't spank your kid is the day that society took a turn for the worse. You can and should spank your kid if they need it. I'm not advocating beating them with belts or swatting them up side the head with a wooden spoon, but a well timed swat on the rear occasionally is good for them. It teaches them to have respect for authority. Without that, they will run rampant and act like little hellions. Guess what? Nobody likes those kids! All of your friends and family won't want to be around you if that's your kid and they will definitely talk about you behind your back. So if you refuse to spank, enjoy your lonely life.

3. Don't fall for their tricks. Here's a little known fact for all of you new parents out there, that sweet little innocent baby, with its cute little coos and rosy cheeks is actually a manipulative little bastard. "The hell?" you say? They learn early on that crying is a good way to get your attention. No matter what anyone says you can spoil a child. If you hold your baby all the time, that's what its used to and that's what it expects. Babies learn that when they cry, their parents will run in and give them anything they want. I'm not saying to ignore the kid all the time, but set limits. They have to learn that its ok to be alone sometimes, they have to learn how to soothe themselves. If they don't guess what? They grow up to be needy ass bastards and everyone hates those people too. Don't you want your kid to grow up and have a healthy relationship with someone and isn't living in your basement when they are 35? Then stop coddling them right this minute!! The world doesn't revolve around then and never will so teach them that. Its ok to sometimes let them cry. If you have attended to every need they could possibly have and they are still being a whiny bitch, let them cry. Go reassure them that its not the end of the world with a soothing voice every so often, but don't pick them up and give into them.

4. Learn this phrase..."I'm broke". We live in a gadget world. Before you know it, we wont even be able to wipe our own asses without some help from technology. The worst kept secret about technology is its expensive. So there's nothing more frustrating in the world then when little Mary comes home from school demanding an IPad because her best friends dipshit parents bought her one. Let me clue you in on something, kids don't need every game system, smartphone, laptop, desktop and tablet that's out there. They need access to a computer for education and one game system (if they have done well enough in life to deserve it). The only reason they even need those things is so that you have some leverage. When they are failing in school, having smart ass mouths or being lazy when it comes to helping out, you ground them. When you ground them you take everything away.

My kids grew up hearing "you can either have money to buy a new game or you can eat this week". Guess which one they chose? That's right, eating. They were raised knowing that their parent wasn't their personal ATM and by the time they were teenagers they stopped asking for money altogether. I don't pay for chores or good grades either. The deal is their job is to go to school, make good grades, stay out of trouble and help out somewhat around the house. In exchange for that, I feed them, clothe them and let them live with me. Occasionally buy them something frivolous. Sounds harsh doesn't it? Its not, it teaches them something about the real world. When you get in the job market you aren't going to get a bonus everyday just for doing your job. Most of you reading this probably aren't even happy with the shitty occasional raise that you get. Letting kids know that life is rough makes dealing with shitty jobs a little easier.

Ok, that's enough for now. I have a Twitter addiction I have to get back to. Just remember that parents who give their kids everything they want and don't discipline them are raising self centered little bitches that walk around with this sense of entitlement that makes average people want to beat the living shit out of them. That's why older generations sit around looking disgusted all of the time. We are making the world a shitfest and every generation it gets worse because toys get more and more expensive and people have fallen into that hippie parenting trap. Its time to go old school.  I'm pretty sure that everyone in my generation had their ass whipped at sometime growing up and we knew if we fucked up we would get another one. Kids these days that don't get spankings fuck up because they haven't learned to be afraid of the consequences. Make them afraid for all of our sakes.

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