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Sunday, July 24, 2011

Changing the world? Doubtful.

Ok,Ive always had this deep desire to have an epiphany. I know this sounds odd, but hear me out. I have always been jealous of people that have turned their lives around whether spiritually or financially with that one sudden burst of inspiration. I have sat around searching for all sorts of things to aid me in my epiphany search to no avail.

I had given up totally on the idea of ever having one. Then the other day, I think I stumbled across one. There was no big bang, bright light, surge of self love or anything that I always thought would happen. No new fancy product idea to make me rich, no new philosophy to ponder. Just a simple statement. "My life is what I make of it".

That's it.

I sit around, bemoaning how miserable I am with my life, and lately, things have really been a huge shitfest. I have contemplated running away or doing other stupid stuff that I wont go into detail about, just know they haven't been some of my better ideas. Anyway, at that moment, I was feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed with life. Dealing with exes that you have kids with can be a ginormous pain in the ass most days. Mine is a bigger one than most.

So I was sitting around feeling on the verge of a breakdown, trying to brainstorm ways that I could deal with the anger inside,for example, meditation. Meditation always sounds like a good plan, and I completely envy the people that can do it, but for me meditation=nap time. I can not do it without falling asleep. Anyway, that's when the thought came to me. I'm miserable because I allow myself to be. I let other people get to me, to push my buttons, to dictate my life. Apparently I'm a huge pussy and didn't even realize it. I know for a fact that I didn't used to be. I used to be able to at least stand up for myself. These days I talk a big game, but come crunch time, I cant find it within myself to nut up. But those days are over.

I have been plagued with an overwhelming desire for freedom. For the past 20 years Ive always used the fact that I have kids as sort of a safety blanket. Never leaving the house, taking risks, putting my heart out there...nothing, because I have kids that I'm responsible for and Ive always felt that they are my first priorities. And they are and always will be, but Ive come to the conclusion that I don't just want to live, I want to live a kickass life. I want to inspire and create and make change happen.

I know there's no way one person can change the world, but one person can change the world of one other person and that, to me, is a huge deal. And there's no reason why I cant take my kids on this journey with me. I don't want them to grow up in a shell. I want them to experience life. To go to sleep at night knowing that they've helped someone and to feel that deep sense of joy in that. Everything else in life is bullshit. Jobs, stress, exes, fighting. Fuck that. You have to take life by the balls and run with them. Its just that simple.

I make cakes. I want to make great cakes. I want to make great cakes that make me money. I want to be disgustingly wealthy. I grew up with the old adage "money is the root of all evil", now I know that's just something poor people say to overcome their jealousy of rich people. Money pays the bills, paying my bills on time would make me happy. Love doesn't make the world go round, money does. The rich get richer because they get up everyday and make shit happen. That's who I want to be. A rich asshole....well,not an asshole.

I know this is a huge rambling mess, but whatever. I had to get it out before I changed my mind. So from this day forward its fucking game on. I'm no longer going to be afraid of succeeding or of failing or of making people angry. I'm no longer giving a shit. I'm going to go out and make a difference in my life and my kids lives. People can get on-board with me or get the hell out of my way.

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